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Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Chapter 3. A Caucus-Race and a Long Tale
They were a strange party assembled on the bank.
The birds had wet feathers, the animals had wet fur, and all were dripping wet, angry and uncomfortable.
The first question, of course, was how to get dry again.
They had a talk about this.
After a few minutes Alice found herself talking nicely with them, as if she'd known them all her life.
Indeed, she had quite a long argument with the Lory, who at last turned sullen and would only say,
"I'm older than you, and must know better."
Alice would not allow it without knowing its age, and when the Lory refused, that ended it.
At last the Mouse, who seemed to be a leader among them, called out, "Sit down, all of you, and listen to me!"
"I'll soon make you dry enough!" They all sat down at once, in a large ring, with the Mouse in the middle.
Alice kept watching it with worry, she was sure she'd catch a bad cold if she did not dry.
"Ahem!" said the Mouse with an important air.
"Are you all ready?"
"This is the driest thing I know."
"Silence all round, if you please!"
"'William the Conqueror, helped by the Pope, was quickly accepted by the English, who wanted leaders and were used to taking power."
"Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, '"
"Ugh!" said the Lory, with a shiver.
"I beg your pardon!" said the Mouse, frowning, but very politely, "Did you speak?"
"Not I!" said the Lory quickly.
"I thought you did," said the Mouse.
". I proceed. 'Edwin and Morcar, the earls of Mercia and Northumbria, declared for him, and even Stigand, the patriotic archbishop of Canterbury, found it advisable, '"
"Found what?" said the Duck.
"Found it," the Mouse answered rather crossly, "of course you know what 'it' means."
"I know what 'it' means well enough, when I find a thing," said the Duck.
"It's generally a frog or a worm. The question is, what did the archbishop find?"
The Mouse didn't notice this question, but quickly went on,
"', found it advisable to go with Edgar Atheling to meet William and offer him the crown."
"William's conduct at first was moderate."
"But the insolence of his Normans, ' How are you getting on now, my dear?" It went on, turning to Alice as it spoke.
"As wet as ever," said Alice in a sad tone, "it doesn't seem to dry me at all."
"In that case," said the Dodo solemnly, standing up, "I move that the meeting stop so we can try stronger ways to get dry"
"Speak English!" said the Eaglet.
"I don't know the meaning of half those long words, and, what's more, I don't believe you do either!"
And the Eaglet bent its head to hide a smile, some of the other birds laughed softly.
"What I was going to say," said the Dodo in an offended tone.
"Was, that the best thing to get us dry would be a Caucus-race."
"What's a Caucus-race?" said Alice, not that she wanted much to know.
"The Dodo had paused as if someone should speak, and no one seemed ready to say anything."
"Why," said the Dodo.
"The best way to explain it's to do it."
And, as you might like to try the thing yourself some winter day, I'll tell you how the Dodo managed it.
First it marked out a race-course, in a sort of circle, "the exact shape doesn't matter"
It said, and then all the party were placed along the course here and there.
There was no "One, two, three, and away"
They began to run and stopped when they wanted, so it was hard to know when the race ended.
After running for about half an hour or so, they were quite dry again.
The Dodo suddenly called out, "The race is over!" They all crowded round it, panting and asking, "But who has won?"
The Dodo couldn't answer this question without a great deal of thought.
It sat for a long time with one finger pressed on its forehead, the position in which you usually see Shakespeare in pictures.
The other animals and birds waited in silence and watched each other.
At last the Dodo said, "Everybody has won, and all must have prizes."
"But who's to give the prizes?" a chorus of voices asked.
Why, she, of course," said the Dodo, pointing to Alice, and the whole party crowded round her, calling, "Prizes! Prizes!
Alice had no idea what to do and was in despair.
She put her hand in her pocket and pulled out a box of comfits.
Luckily the salt water hadn't got into it, and she handed them round as prizes.
There was exactly one a-piece, all round.
"But she must have a prize herself, you know," said the Mouse.
"Of course," the Dodo replied very gravely.
"What else have you got in your pocket?" it went on, turning to Alice.
"Only a thimble," said Alice sadly.
"Hand it over here," said the Dodo.
Then they all crowded round her once more, while the Dodo solemnly gave the thimble, saying "We beg your acceptance of this elegant thimble,"
And, when it had finished this short speech, they all cheered.
Alice thought the whole thing very absurd, but they all looked so serious that she didn't dare to laugh.
As she couldn't think of anything to say, she simply bowed and took the thimble, looking as solemn as she could.
The next thing was to eat the comfits.
This caused noise and trouble.
Large birds said they could not taste theirs, while small ones choked and were patted on the back.
However, it was over at last.
And they sat down again in a ring, and asked the Mouse to tell them something more.
"You promised to tell me your history, you know," said Alice.
"And why it's you hate C and D," she added in a whisper, half afraid that it would be offended again.
"Mine is a long and a sad tale!" said the Mouse, turning to Alice, and sighing.
"It's a long tail, certainly," said Alice, looking down with wonder at the Mouse's tail.
"But why do you call it sad?"
And she kept on puzzling about it while the Mouse was speaking, so that her idea of the tale was something like this.
Fury said to a mouse that he met in the house.
He asked, "Let us both go to law. I'll prosecute you." "Come, I'll take no denial," he added.
"We must have a trial, for really this morning I've nothing to do."
The mouse said to the cur that such a trial, with no jury or judge, would be wasting their breath.
"I'll be judge, I'll be jury," said cunning old Fury.
"I'll try the whole cause and condemn you to death."
"You aren't paying attention!" said the Mouse to Alice strictly.
"What are you thinking of?"
"I beg your pardon," said Alice very humbly, "you had got to the fifth bend I think?"
"I hadn't!" cried the Mouse sharply and very angrily.
"A knot!" said Alice, always ready to help, and looking about her with worry.
"Oh do let me help to undo it!"
"I shall do nothing of the sort," said the Mouse, getting up and walking away.
"You insult me by saying such nonsense!"
"I didn't mean it!" begged poor Alice.
"But you're so easily offended you know!"
The Mouse only growled in answer.
"Please come back and finish your story!"
Alice called after it, others cried, "Yes, please do!" but the Mouse shook its head and walked on.
"What a pity it wouldn't stay!" sighed the Lory as soon as it was out of sight.
An old Crab took the chance to say to her daughter, "Ah my dear."
"Let this be a lesson to you, never to lose your temper!"
"Hold your tongue Ma!" said the young Crab a little sharply.
"You're enough to try the patience of an oyster!"
"I wish I had our Dinah here I know I do!" said Alice aloud, speaking to no one in particular.
"She'd soon fetch it back!"
"And who's Dinah if I may ask the question?" said the Lory.
Alice answered quickly, for she was always ready to talk about her pet, "Dinah's our cat."
"And she's such a great one for catching mice you can't think!"
"And oh I wish you could see her after the birds!"
"Why she'll eat a little bird as soon as look at it!"
This speech made a big stir among the party.
Some of the birds hurried off at once.
One old Magpie began wrapping itself up very carefully, saying, "I really must be getting home, the night air doesn't suit my throat!"
A Canary called out in a trembling voice to its children, "Come away, my dears."
"It's high time you were all in bed!" For different reasons they moved off, and Alice was soon left alone.
"I wish I hadn't mentioned Dinah!" she said to herself in a sad voice.
"Nobody seems to like her down here and I'm sure she's the best cat in the world!"
"Oh my dear Dinah I wonder if I shall ever see you any more!"
And here poor Alice began to cry again, for she felt very lonely and sad.
In a little while, however, she again heard a little pattering of feet in the distance.
She looked up eagerly, half hoping that the Mouse had changed its mind and was coming back to finish its story.