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Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
Chapter 6. Pig and Pepper
For a minute or two she stood looking at the house and wondering what to do next.
Suddenly a footman in uniform came running out of the wood.
She thought he was a footman because he was in uniform.
Otherwise, by his face only, she'd have called him a fish.
He rapped loudly at the door with his knuckles.
It was opened by another footman in uniform, with a round face and large eyes like a frog.
Alice noticed that both footmen had powdered hair that curled all over their heads.
She felt very curious to know what it was all about and crept a little way out of the wood to listen.
The Fish-Footman began by taking out from under his arm a great letter, nearly as large as himself.
He handed it to the other and said in a serious tone, "For the Duchess. An invitation from the Queen to play croquet."
"The Frog-Footman repeated in the same serious tone, changing the order of the words a little."
"From the Queen, an invitation for the Duchess to play croquet".
Then they both bowed low and their curls got tangled together.
Alice laughed so much at this that she had to run back into the wood for fear of their hearing her.
She peeped out, the Fish-Footman was gone, the other sat by the door staring into the sky.
Alice went quietly up to the door and knocked.
"There's no sort of use in knocking," said the Footman.
"And that's for two reasons."
"First, because I'm on the same side of the door as you're."
"Second, because they're making such a noise inside that no one could possibly hear you."
And certainly there was a most strange noise going on within.
There was constant howling and sneezing, and now and then a loud crash as if a dish or kettle broke.
"Please then," said Alice, "how am I to get in?"
"There might be some sense in your knocking,"
The Footman went on without listening to her and said, "If we had the door between us."
"For instance, if you were inside you might knock and I could let you out you know," he added.
"He was looking up into the sky the whole time, and Alice thought this very rude."
"But perhaps he can't help it," she said to herself.
"His eyes are so nearly at the top of his head."
"But at any rate he might answer questions."
"How am I to get in?" She repeated aloud.
"I shall sit here," the Footman remarked, "till tomorrow, "
At this moment the door of the house opened and a large plate came skimming out straight at the Footman's head.
It just hit his nose lightly and broke to pieces against one of the trees behind him.
", or next day, maybe," the Footman continued in the same tone exactly as if nothing had happened.
"How am I to get in?" asked Alice again in a louder tone.
"Are you to get in at all?" said the Footman.
"That's the first question you know."
It was no doubt the first question.
Only Alice didn't like to be told so.
"It's really dreadful," she muttered to herself, "the way all the creatures argue. It's enough to drive one crazy!"
The Footman seemed to think this a good chance for repeating his remark with changes.
"I shall sit here," he said, "on and off for days and days."
"But what am I to do?" said Alice.
"Anything you like," said the Footman and began whistling.
"Oh there's no use in talking to him," said Alice desperately.
"He's perfectly idiotic!" And she opened the door and went in.
The door led right into a large kitchen which was full of smoke from one end to the other.
The Duchess was sitting on a three-legged stool in the middle nursing a baby.
The cook was leaning over the fire stirring a large cauldron which seemed to be full of soup.
"There's certainly too much pepper in that soup!" Alice said to herself as well as she could for sneezing.
There was certainly too much of it in the air.
Even the Duchess sneezed sometimes and as for the baby it was sneezing and howling one after the other without a moment's pause.
Only the cook and a large cat in the kitchen did not sneeze.
The cat sat on the hearth grinning from ear to ear.
"Please would you tell me," said Alice a little timidly for she wasn't quite sure whether it was good manners for her to speak first.
"Why your cat grins like that?"
"It's a Cheshire cat," said the Duchess, "and that's why. Pig!"
She said the last word with such sudden force that Alice quite jumped.
But she saw it was said to the baby, not her, so she was brave and went on.
"I didn't know that Cheshire cats always grinned. In fact I didn't know that cats could grin."
"They all can," said the Duchess, "and most of 'em do."
"I don't know of any that do," Alice said very politely feeling quite pleased to have got into a conversation.
"You don't know much," said the Duchess, "and that's a fact."
Alice didn't at all like the tone of this remark and thought it would be good to start some other topic.
While Alice tried to pick a topic, the cook took the big pot of soup off the fire.
The cook at once began throwing everything within her reach at the Duchess and the baby.
The fire-irons came first then followed a shower of saucepans plates and dishes.
The Duchess did not notice them even when they hit her.
The baby was already howling so much that it was not possible to say if the hits hurt it.
"Oh please mind what you're doing!" cried Alice jumping up and down in a terror.
"Oh there goes his precious nose!" as an unusually large saucepan flew close by it and very nearly tore it off.
"If everybody minded their own business," the Duchess said in a low growl, "the world would go round a deal faster than it does."
"Which wouldn't be an advantage," said Alice who felt very glad to get a chance to show a little of her knowledge.
"Just think of what work it would make with the day and night!"
"You see the earth takes twenty-four hours to turn round on its axis,"
"Talking of axes," said the Duchess, "chop off her head!"
Alice glanced anxiously at the cook to see if she would take the hint.
The cook was busy stirring the soup and did not seem to be listening so Alice went on.
"Twenty-four hours I think or is it twelve I, "
"Oh don't bother me," said the Duchess.
"I never could abide figures!"
She began nursing her child again and sang a sort of lullaby to it.
At the end of every line she gave the baby a violent shake.
"Speak roughly to your little boy And beat him when he sneezes, He only does it to annoy Because he knows it teases."
CHORUS, In which the cook and the baby joined.
"Wow! wow! wow!"
While the Duchess sang the second verse, she kept tossing the baby up and down.
The poor little thing howled so loudly that Alice could hardly hear the words.
"I speak severely to my boy I beat him when he sneezes For he can thoroughly enjoy The pepper when he pleases!"
"CHORUS. The cook and the baby sang together in the same tune, "Wow! wow! wow!
"Wow! wow! wow!"
"Here you may nurse it a bit if you like!" the Duchess said to Alice flinging the baby at her as she spoke.
"I must go and get ready to play croquet with the Queen." She hurried out of the room.
The cook threw a frying-pan after her as she went but it just missed her.
Alice caught the baby with some difficulty as it was a strange little creature.
It held out its arms and legs in all directions.
"Just like a star-fish," thought Alice.
The poor little thing was snorting like a steam-engine when she caught it.
It kept folding and stretching, and at first she could hardly hold it.
As soon as she had found the proper way of nursing it, she carried it out into the open air.
She twisted it into a knot and held its right ear and left foot so it would not come apart.
"If I don't take this child away with me," thought Alice.
"They're sure to kill it in a day or two."
"Wouldn't it be murder to leave it behind?" She said the last words out loud and the little thing grunted in reply.
It had stopped sneezing by this time.
"Don't grunt," said Alice.
"That's not a proper way of expressing yourself."
The baby grunted again and Alice looked very anxiously into its face to see what was the matter with it.
There could be no doubt that it had a very turn-up nose much more like a snout than a real nose.
Also its eyes were getting very small for a baby.
Altogether Alice didn't like the look of the thing at all.
"But perhaps it was only sobbing," she thought and looked into its eyes again to see if there were any tears.
No, there were no tears, its eyes were dry and empty.
"If you're going to turn into a pig my dear," said Alice seriously.
"I'll have nothing more to do with you."
"Mind now!" The poor little thing sobbed again or grunted it was impossible to say which and they went on for some while in silence.
Alice was just beginning to think to herself, "Now what am I to do with this creature when I get it home?"
It grunted again so violently that she looked down into its face in some alarm.
This time there could be no mistake about it.
It was neither more nor less than a pig.
She felt that it would be quite absurd for her to carry it further.
So she set the little creature down and felt quite relieved to see it trot away quietly into the wood.
"If it had grown up,"
She said to herself, "It would have been an ugly child, but it is a handsome pig, I think."
"She began to think of other children she knew who might make good pigs."
She was just saying to herself, "If one only knew the right way to change them."
She was a little startled by seeing the Cheshire Cat sitting on a bough of a tree a few yards off.
The Cat only grinned when it saw Alice, it looked kind she thought.
Still it had very long claws and a great many teeth so she felt that it ought to be treated with respect.
"Cheshire Puss," she began rather timidly as she didn't at all know whether it would like the name.
It only grinned a little wider.
"Come it's pleased so far," thought Alice and she went on.
"Would you tell me please which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where," said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
", so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
Alice felt that this couldn't be denied so she tried another question.
"What sort of people live about here?"
"In that direction,"
The Cat said, waving its right paw round, "lives a Hatter in that direction."
"The Cat said, waving the other paw, "lives a March Hare. Visit either you like. They're both mad.
"But I don't want to go among mad people," Alice remarked.
"Oh you can't help that," said the Cat.
"We're all mad here. I'm mad. You're mad."
"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.
"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."
Alice didn't think that proved it at all.
However she went on, "And how do you know that you're mad?"
"To begin with," said the Cat, "a dog's not mad. You grant that?"
"I suppose so," said Alice.
"Well then," the Cat went on, "you see a dog growls when it's angry and wags its tail when it's pleased."
"Now I growl when I'm pleased and wag my tail when I'm angry, so I am mad".
"I call it purring not growling," said Alice.
"Call it what you like," said the Cat.
"Do you play croquet with the Queen today?"
"I should like it very much," said Alice, "but I haven't been invited yet."
"You'll see me there," said the Cat and vanished.
Alice wasn't much surprised at this.
She was getting so used to strange things happening.
While she was looking at the place where it had been it suddenly appeared again.
"By the bye what became of the baby?" said the Cat.
"I'd nearly forgotten to ask."
"It turned into a pig," Alice quietly said just as if it had come back in a natural way.
"I thought it would," said the Cat and vanished again.
Alice waited a little, half expecting to see it again, it didn't appear.
After a minute or two she walked on in the direction in which the March Hare was said to live.
"I've seen hatters before," she said to herself.
The March Hare will be the most interesting, and maybe since it is May it will not be as mad as in March.
As she said this she looked up and there was the Cat again sitting on a branch of a tree.
"Did you say pig or fig?" said the Cat.
"I said pig," replied Alice.
"And I wish you wouldn't keep appearing and vanishing so suddenly. You make one quite giddy."
"All right," said the Cat.
This time it vanished quite slowly, beginning with the end of the tail.
The grin stayed for some time after the rest of it had gone.
"Well I've often seen a cat without a grin," thought Alice.
"But a grin without a cat. It's the most curious thing I ever saw in my life!"
She hadn't gone much farther before she came in sight of the house of the March Hare.
She thought it must be the right house because the chimneys were shaped like ears and the roof was thatched with fur.
The house was so large she did not like to go nearer.
She nibbled more of the left-hand bit of mushroom and raised herself to about two feet high.
Even then she walked up towards it rather timidly saying to herself, "Suppose it should be raving mad after all!"
"I almost wish I'd gone to see the Hatter instead!"